Idiots in the year 2000
Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
Emergency room right away. Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
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Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which
activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at
Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
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Idiot # 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes
in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the
harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with
this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
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Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a
letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of
handcuffs. He immediatly mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy
might be onto something worth thinking about)!
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Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and
said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At
this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave
it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the
name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested
the robber two hours later. (Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give
this guy his!)
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Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him. (This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it
out himself.)
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Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. (Oh, that smarts. Give
him his sign!)
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Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
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