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Drummer Jokes

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What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.


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Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves during the parade.


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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.


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What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.


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Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.


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How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.


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What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.


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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.


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Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break a window to get the drummer out!


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We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.
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Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums.
One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums."
Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"
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A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"
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Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the drummers.


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How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.


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How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.


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If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
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I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
He said, "the river or the state?"
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How do you know if a drummer's platform is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.


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How do trumpet players park in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.


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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, and the other four to stand around and talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!



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Two drummers walk into a bar, which is actually kind of funny, because you would think that the second guy would have seen the first one do it.
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What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start!!


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Did you hear about the drummer who got into college?
No.

Neither did I.



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What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.


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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."


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Como saber si hay un baterista en la puerta?
Porque no sabe cuando entrar.

In English: How do you know there's a drummer at the door?

Because he doesn't know when to enter.



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A man died and soon after, went to Heaven. He discovered Heaven was an endless hallway with doors to the left and right. On the door was your I.Q. number. He went to door 160, and found the people there talking about quantum physics. He slammed the door and went to door 120. He found the people there trying to figure out as many decimal places of pi that they could. He shut the door and went to 80. He found the people in there talking about lastnight's Packer game. He thought to himself, "I'll come back to this one later," and shut the door. He walked all the way down to 16, and found the people in there talking about Sunday's episode of "King of the Hill." He shut the door, and went to door 7. He foung the people in there drooling on each other. Lastly, he went to door 3. He opened the door and heard one of the people say, "My sticks were Zildjian, what were yours?"
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One day a drummer sick of all of the "stupid drummer" jokes decided to change instruments. So he went to the local music store and said that he wanted to learn a new instrument. The store owner cheerfully replied ok and asked what he would be interested in playing. After looking around the shop he said I'll try those things over there, pointing to the accordion section.
After looking through the accordions from over an hour the shop keeper said, "Have you found what you looking for?"

The drummer replied, "Yes, I'll take that big red one over there."

The store keeper smiled and and stared laughing. When the drummer asked why he was laughing the store keeper replied, "Are you a drummer, son?"

"Yeah!" replied the drummer.

"Well that big red thing is a radiator"


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What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A drum machine can keep a steady beat and won't steal your girlfriend!


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How many drummers does it take to wallpaper a room?
Three, if you slice them thin enough!


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Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one; he holds it and the world revolves around him.


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Q: What does Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream.


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Q: Why are drummers always losing their watches?
A: Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.


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Q: What do you call a drummer who's lost his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.


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Q: What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
A: The poster child for Birth Control.


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Q: What do you call a bunch of kids with drums?
A: Jerry's Kids.


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Q: How do you call a drummer?
A: You can't. They don't pay their phone bill.


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Q: What should you call a drummer?
A: It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway.


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Q: How do you confuse a drummer?
A: Give him a piece of sheet music.


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Q: What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
A: Mildly retarded.


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Q: What's the best protection the Secret Service could have against a Presidential assassination?
A: Make a drummer the Vice-President.


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Q: What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?
A: A dope ring.


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Q: Why do drummers have lots of kids?
A: They're terrible at the rhythm method.


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A man was looking for a new brain. He went to a brain surgen and told him of his problem. The surgen said, " I only have three brains left." The man said, " Well what's the cheapest?" The surgen said, " I have a doctor's brain for cheap." The man said," We'll that's great, what else do you have?" The surgen said, " I also have the brain of a rocket scientist, but that's just a little more pricy." The man replied, " Wow if you have the brain of a rocket scientist, the last one must be really smart." The surgen said, " The most expensive one I have, is a dummer's brain." The man said, " Why is a drummer's brain so expensive?" The surgen replied, " We'll because it's never been used before."
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What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.


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Q:How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:100: 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.


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Q. Did you ever hear about the drummer who finished high school?
No.

A. Me neither!


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how can you get a drummer off your porch?
pay for the pizza!


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So this guy goes into a store walks up to the counter and says "I'd like a Mashall HiWatt 360 watt ampflicator and a fender Geetar with the fried rose tremolo-
The guy stops him right there and says "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Uh, yeah. You did you know?"

"This is a travel agency."


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Q. How do you know when a drummers outside your door?
A. The knock gets faster.


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A drummer dies and goes to heaven. Outside the Pearly gates he's talking to St. Peter about the band.
"Who" askes the drummer "do you have playing here?".

"Everybody" says St. Peter, "We've got Billie Holliday, Ella and Bessie Smith sharing vocals, Duke Ellington and Count Basie on piano, the saxes you just wouldn't believe'"

"So," askes the drummer, "who leads the band?"

St. Peter waits just a second before answering and replys, "Well, it's God of course, but occaisionally he thinks He's John Dankworth".


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Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
--So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the sh*t on the road.


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Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Q#2: How can you make that drummer stop?

A: Put notes on it!



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Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
--So they can park in the handicapped spot.


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What is the difference between a drun line playing together and shoes in a dryer?
Nothing


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How do you get an elephant out of a 40 foot hole?
Lower a drummer into the hole and gross him out.


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What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?
homeless.


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How do you get a drummer to leave your house?
Pay for the pizza!


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Q:How many drummers can you fit in a phone booth?
A: None, "There's not enough room in there man!!"


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What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.


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"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."


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Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.


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An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds:
"No, that's G-d. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."


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Two drummers walk into a bar...
which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.


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A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson. "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?".
The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."


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Q: What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon?
A: Farfromthinken


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To get this joke, you probably have to know about the legendary unpopularity of Buddy Rich amongst his band...
A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?"

Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.

A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?"

"No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone.

Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said.

She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.

Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked.

Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!"

He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love hearing you say it."


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Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!


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Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!


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Two girls are walking along when they hear...
"Psst! Down here!"

They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"

The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"



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What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.


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If you're in a Ginger bashing mood, here's another
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.


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A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"

"This is a travel agency."



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A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"

"Bass solo."


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Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only after asking "Why?"

("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")


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Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.


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What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.


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(Hmmm... that inspires a turnaround variation...)
Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?

You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.


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If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.


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What is the difference between a chiropodist and Ginger Baker?
A chiropodist bucks up your feet!!

(with apologies to Ginger Baker fans, ... and those that needed to reach for the dictionary for that one)


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What do you call a drummer with more than one brain cell?
Pregnant.


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there is a bar with a bunch of drummers in it and they are all yelling "51 days, 51 days!" and more and more keep coming in, they are all ordering drinks and yelling "51 days! 51 days!" the bartender has a puzzled look on his face as more and more come into the bar and order more and more drinks and chant and chant. finally, the bartender asks one of the drummers why they are all celebrating and chanting"51 days! 51 days!" the drummer answers with, "well, we all just finished a puzzle in 51 days and the box said 2 to 4 years!"
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Q: What's do a drummer and a mosqito have in common?
A: They both suck!!!


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"Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer."
His mother scoffs and replies...

"Well, you can't do both."


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